Stop, Crack and Roll

I just got off the phone. It's one of those nights where I thought I would sleep immediately and should be exhausted after a day of doing absolutely nothing productive. I hung up the phone thinking that I coulda been cooler or I could've not talked about that thing or maybe it was fine and he'll still want to talk to me tomorrow. Maybe. 

There was this real conversation that happened, and then after was the conversation that could happen to the he on the other end of the line, or to you that's reading this very second. A hypothetical one that opens the flood gates to something or to everything. All the things. 

This is how it goes. 

Me: What do you want to do? 

You: Uh what?

Me: What do you want to do? 

You: Um, what do you mean? 

Me: What do you want to do? Anything. Think broad terms here. 

You: Ha... Okay... I don't know. 

Me: Do you want me to go first? Fine you idiot. I will. 

I want to write down everything I WANT to do so that 1) it isn't stuck in my head anymore and b) so that I can be accountable for the life I think I want at this very moment in time. 

I want to write. I want to write. I want to write. And then after, maybe be proud about it. I've been avoiding this entire blog for MONTHS because I couldn't bear the thought of my thoughts in front of my face. Isn't that the silliest thing you've ever heard? It's like I'm sitting at a desk, looking outside a window at all the potential (or just looking at all the possible attempts and tries and good efforts) and I'm wondering when I'm going to get up and go outside and play. It's beautiful out there. What am I waiting for? The adventure has begun, there is no use stalling it until something more exciting comes around, get a move on girl. 

I want to be okay with my body, because exercising is irritating and so is being 'gluten free' but somebody has to do it... And that's probably not going to be me. I live for ice cream and doing an extra lap at the gym( that's a complete lie). But really....Self confidence and body confidence are two very different things and too often they get confused.... And sometimes the lack of either or makes me cry. Hard. 

I want to move to California, or New Zealand or somewhere else. I want to live somewhere, someplace that isn't here. It's not a cliche to want a lot of stamps in my passport, it's a right. No pun intended, but I intend to exercise that right. People move across the world everyday to start over. I don't want to start over, I just want to keep on going. 

I want to be funny. I want to laugh, laugh with, be laughed at. Cause it's okay. 

I want to sing all the time. Cause it's okay. 

 

I want to watch documentaries because they give me opinions on things I didn't even know I should have opinions about. (They're not only conversation starters but after I watch one, I can know things about life inside the Russian prison system that you'd never even think about. Think about THAT, why don't you?)

I want to follow my 7-10 year plan. I want my parents to die of old age. I want to die of old age. I want people to buy my e-book that could go on sale anytime between the years 2016-2045. I want to play an instrument. I want my children to be readers. I want a bicycle with a basket. I want to stay weird forever. 

I want to do all things I want to do. Maybe I even physically, literally, emotionally need to do all the things I want to do.

What do you WANT to do? What in the fuck all above is holding you back? What is keeping you from what you truly care about? Stop with the bull hockey . Put that old newspaper down, push the cat off your lap and get up off the couch and want for something. 

... As I preach from my very own bed, in my very own bedroom...everything I want feels so far away sometimes, you know?

You that's reading this can I tell you one last thing I realized after all the gushing? I think the window is cracked.